Four years ago, on a boring afternoon, I started a blog. Two years later, I met a guy who worked for blog. Little did we know that two years after that, we'd hook up...

S: *lights up candles and sits next to her watching a film*
M: *candles?* *wonders if he's hitting on her*

S: Here, have my hat.
M: *realises, as she's walking, that she can't see a thing* I can't see anything.
S: *looks at her, the hat covering her eyes* Oh Jesus. *fixes hat*
M: Can I see now?
S: Yes you can.
M: *feels like kissing him, but doesn't*

M: *accidentally sees his belly when he's taking off his t-shirt*
S: Good night.
M: Night. *lies on guest bed wondering if he wants to kiss her. She kinda wants to, but doesn't*

S: *on the swings in the playground* I can't push myself.
M: I'll help you. *holds onto him and feels like kissing him, but doesn't*

*sitting on a bench eating chocolate*
S: I have a strong desire to kiss you now.
M: Really?
S: Yeah.
...
S: *laughs* "Really?"
M: Well I just... wanted to make sure.

S: What are you writing on me?
M: Nothing. How do you spell Spätzle? Are the dots on the A or the E?

S: *blows her belly*
M: Arrrrggghhhhh *laughing in ticklish pain*
S: Blow her belly, it's fun.
M2: *blows belly* Oh God, the last time I did that was to my dog.

M: My legs hurt and it's your fault.
S: How is it my fault?
M: You made me have sex with you all night. Tsk.
M2: Sixsie...
M: You told him?
S: *smirks*

S: You don't happen to have those gummi bears on you, do you?
M: No, do you fancy them?
S: Yeah.
M: Have a cookie.
S: Fuck cookies.

M: *in the pool* Come in, I'll hold you, people are weightless in the water.
S: *gets in and drowns*
M: Hmm, that's never happened before.

S: I'll meet you by the big yellow Lego giraffe.

M: Do you want some chips?
S: I always want chips.

M: I've had enough of rom-coms, I'm gonna start watching more butch films.
S: So you're just gonna stop watching chick-flicks?
M: Yeah, there's not enough yippie-kah-yay-motherfucking-planes exploding in chick-flicks... It was a helicopter, wasn't it?
S: In the second one it was a plane.

S: I'm really hornover.
M: You're what?
*hysterical laughter*

M: *runs up* I was just biking past and thought it'd be rude not to come up and give you a kiss, so... *kisses him* Bye!

M: Welcome back.
S: I missed you.

M: I saw this and thought of you, so I bought it for you.
S: *looks at zombie monkey finger puppet* *laughs* Thanks!

S: Welcome back.
M: I missed you.

S: *outside the bathroom as she's being sick* Mon, can your hair reach your mouth?
M: No.
S: Alright then.
M: *opens the door to find him outside holding a towel to cover her up*

M: I think it's sweet that you say I'm the hottest girl you know.
S: Well, I'm not paying you a compliment, I'm just stating a fact.
M: Awwww.
S: Oh shut up.

S: *holding her*
M: Aren't I light?
S: No actually, you're quite heavy.
M: Really? But it looks so easy the way you're holding me.
S: Well, there aren't many people I could hold like this, but you're still heavy.

M: Say 'goat'.
S: No.
M: Pleeeaaaase.
S: No!
M3: Why do you want him to say goat?
M: Cos it sounds cute in his Irish accent.
S: Yeah it's the same with a certain feline.
M: It doesn't sound funny when you say 'lion'.
S: No not lion, another feline.
M: Cheetah?
S: Slighter smaller...
M: Oh, cat! Cattt. Say cat!
S: No.

M: Do you want a falafel?
S: No thanks.
M: You can have some of mine if you fancy some later.
S: If you can't finish it, I'll have some.
...
S: How slowly are you eating that falafel?
M: Want some?
S: There's hardly any left.
M: Take a bite. A girly bite, not one of your manly bites.
S: A girly bite? Ok, I'll take a very dainty bite...
M: Wow, that was dainty. Here, have some more.
S: *eats falafel and her fingers*

S: Why does it say on your profile that you're 23?
M: Because I'm 23?
S: You're 23? You're 24, aren't you?
M: No, I'm 23!
S: That means you were 22 before! Jesus!
M: *looks confused and unimpressed*
S: I should really know that, shouldn't I?
M: Yeah.

M: Ooh, can I write something else?
S: Ok.
M: Hehe. Hehehe.
S: *looks in the mirror* I... hmm, N... what does it say?
M: Insert penis here.
S: Ha, that's pretty funny.

M: *looks at his football jersey* Ha! Montella! Mon Nutella.

S: Oh God, those eyes, stop looking at me with those puppy eyes, I can't do anything when you -
M: But look at the eyes Stephen, look at them.
S: Oh, for fuck's sake. *kisses her*
M: *giggles*

M: *feels water on her bum*
S: *smiles*
M: Did you...?
S: Ass crack!

S: Are you sure you're ok?
M: Yeah I'm fine.
S: Is that the type of fine that really means fine or the type of fine that's gonna come back and bite me in the ass?

M: This cookie smells good. *puts cookie under his nose*
S: *eats cookie and her fingers*
M: *looks at him* *fishes the cookie back out*
S: You're not going to -
M: *eats the cookie*
S: Oh noooooo, that's sick! That's sick!
M: It's my cookie.

M: Do you wanna go on a date with me on Tuesday?
S: I have plans for Tuesday.
M: Wednesday?
S: I'm teaching late. I'll check my schedule.
M: *fake cries* I just gave you a blow job and you don't wanna go on a date with me. *fake squeals*
S: Thursday! Thursday!
M: Great, pick me up at 8.

M: *grabs another cookie*
S: What does it smell like?
M: *starts to move it towards him* ...Ah ha!
S: *grin*

M: Ask for the big green pepper.
S: No.
M: Bitteeeee.
S: No!
M: Die groß grün Paprika bitte.
Kebab Guy: *washes pepper* Für Madam.
M: Danke schön!

S: You look great today. *after food poisoning night*
M: I feel like shit.
S: But you look great. You should stay up puking all night more often.

M: *opens eyes in the morning to find him sitting on the bed staring at her with a massive smile, still drunk from the party*
S: Whoah, you look skanky today.

M: You were snoring like a motherfucker last night.
S: I'm sick!
M: I know, that's why I didn't hold your nose until you woke up...

*watching a scene in a film where the guy starts dancing after hooking up with the girl*
S: That's true.
M: What is? The dancing?
S: Yep.
M: Do you do it?
S: Yep, I did it after I dropped you off at the airport in March.
M: Did you see blue birds too?
S: Yep.

M: I love the smell of my new shower gel, smell me.
S: If I smell you I'm gonna want to have sex with you.
M: ...Smell me.

M: Should we go in the other room?
S: I think she's in there.
M: Oh, then should we close the door?
S: *nods*

M: *wakes up out of breath* *realises he was holding her nose*
S: *smiles*

S: So when did you stop watching the film?
M: I don't know... but the part I saw was funny.
S: Yeah, the opening credits are hilarious.

M: You know, you're one of the nicest and most thoughtful people I've ever met.
S: I'm a dick.
M: No, you're really nice and thoughtful.
S: I'm a dick.
M: Well dick, I wouldn't have you another other way.
S: Thanks.

S: Does it still say 'insert penis here' above my bum?
M: Hmm, no, it's gone. Want me to write it again?
S: No thanks.

S: Ooh, teeth. *rushes towards bathroom*
M: I'm gonna head out.
S: *turns around* *kisses her* See you later.
M: *smiles* Bye.

xx

(I hope I haven't misquoted you, Rampage. ;))